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Category: Humorous Stories

Material written to be funny, or to display humor.

Good flash fiction takes time, skill, and patient editing. But it teaches you to write.

For several months, I was part of an author's group that practiced weekly writing skills. Some of our best work was created in "flash sessions" where we limited ourselves to 100 words. No more, no less. Good flash fiction takes time, skill, and patient editing. But it teaches you to write. I saved mine, and thought you might like a peek.

Peace

Jon took a breather. The other guy wasn't firing. Jon imagined him doing what he was doing. Sitting back, Jon listened for more gunfire. More sounds of war. What if neither of them fired again? What if they sat here, neither of them moving, and didn't fight? Was that what peace was all about? Not shooting at one another? Wasn't peace more than not having to fight for the right to exist, to simply be? Wasn't that what Jon was out here to do? Provide his people freedom from tyranny? Shooting began again. He scrambled to his knees and fired.

Waiting

Just a little more... don't stop. Don't stop! Need this so bad. Need this. Please don't stop. A little bit more. Come on. Come on. That's it. Let it go. So close. Almost there. Hungry for it. So hungry for it.
He blew out the breath he'd been holding and took another one, hands shaking.
Been waiting for this. Been wanting it, so, so damn bad. He licked his lips. I should've started so much earlier, taken more time, gotten all of it ready. Oh! Yes. Yes... Here it comes!
The last little bit of ketchup landed on his fries.

Helping

He spread his thighs wider and slid down a little. "There. Can you get it in now?"
"No. Not yet." He hooched over to the right, grunting a bit as he pushed harder. "Hold still."
"Hurry up, baby."
"I'm trying!" He shifted his shoulders, angled one foot against the ground for better leverage. "It's almost in the hole. Just a little..."
"Do it harder! I can't keep this up."
"Hold on, baby. Hold on." He wiped sweat from his brow. The heat rose. Fingertips slick with lubricant, he rubbed the opening. With a click, the car's axle slid into place.

Red

So much for avoiding embarrassing myself. She's wearing red. Again.
I needed her to wear one more red dress to haunt my memories. This one was sleeveless, baring perfectly formed arms, strong and feminine. Strapless too, revealing skin the color of mahogany cream.
A man doesn't stand a chance with her in that dress. Long, slinky, shiny, scarlet. Oh, God. It looks-- wet. Perfect. Slick and smooth.
Her mouth is the same red, her lips plump, like she's just been kissed. Like she ran her tongue across them. Like she wants me. Is she wet anywhere else?
Damn, damn, damn.

Senses

He rubbed his eyes, trying to focus in the dimness. Dawn's grey light filtered through curtains billowing at the open window. A soft shriek of autumn wind whistled outside, and a gust of wind tossed the curtains apart, letting in a chill that pebbled his skin. Tossing back the silken sheets, he padded across the cold wooden floor and reached up to shut the window.
The sound of the wind silenced, leaving an utter calm. "Ahh." Shivering, he hurried back to bed.
"You cold?" His lover reached out one powerful arm and dragged him closer, up against his radiant heat.

Replacing Her

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." The words to the old Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song kept running through this head as he walked up the sidewalk. Friends assured him he'd get over her loss by starting over. But though his feet carried him forward, his heart wanted to run back.
Nothing could substitute for her. She'd been his first. Had taught him so much. Sure, she'd had her flaws, but they'd been together so many years... How could ever just buy another motorcycle now that his baby had been totaled?

Taste

"Almost like blueberry." He licked. "With a little licorice."
"Is not! Stop that." His lover tried to sit up, but was pushed back against the bed.
"Lie still. It's my turn." Licking again, he trailed his tongue all the way up along the entire length. The tip was different. A nice, interesting mixture of the blueberry and licorice. He circled his tongue all the way around it, lapping the tip. Why didn't I ever try this before? It's really good. I could get used to this.
"You've had enough." He managed to sit up this time. "Give me the popsicle."

Revenge

"Guys! Check out this gun. It shoots around corners." Jase waited for the hysterical laughter to die down so he could continue. "Look, I'm not faking this. It really works."
Guffaws filled the barracks. His sergeant slapped him on the back. "Rookie, you got taken."
"Okay. Stand in front of it then." Jase flipped out the supports for the gun, set it down and turned its nose 90 degrees to the left, then sighted along the special scope.
Snickering, elbowing each other, whispering, his bullies clustered in front of the weapon.
Jase pulled the trigger. When it worked, nobody laughed.

One-sided Conversation

(imagine you can only hear one side of a conversation)

"Hey, Mom. It's me. I tried that recipe you sent me. It sucked."
"No, not the roast. Those cookies."
"No. Not Aunt Matilda's. The cookies with mashed potatoes."
"Yes you did so give me a cookie recipe with mashed potatoes in it! You said to use leftovers."
"Oh, now you remember. Well, it sucked. I threw mine out."
"Cause nobody'd eat 'em!"
"I didn't do anything wrong, Mom. Why do you jump to conclusions about my cooking?"
"Substituted one thing. I didn't have mashed potatoes. Not everybody's got cooked taters laying around."
"Three cans of Pringles."
"What's so damn funny?"

Jailhouse Singer

Stones were belting out another tune as I pulled in and parked. I sat there, motor running, singing along, mumbling parts I didn't know. Jailhouse singer, that's me. Behind a few bars and can't find the key, but I love to sing.
A car door across and down opened, and out popped the prettiest thing I'd ever saw. Big brown eyes, sweet mouth, not a day over twenty. Heart raced like a bucking stallion at the thought of that tight ass inside tighter jeans. That lusty gaze of his met mine. He smiled. Just like that, I fell in love.

Flashionation, the Art of Clarityness and Succinctation

This flash was an exercise with a group of author friends, and was done as a joke on one of the other regulars. He was the only one who didn't know we were going to make up crazy words and use them as often as possible. Here's the explanation, which did not go toward the word count.
"Today we're talking about clarityness and succinctation. This is what flashion is all about. The ability to shortspress yourself. Tell us in 100 words or less what could have taken multinormously more words to do. The topic is speed. Anything to do with being fast, quick, or a blend of the two -- fuick. Use 100 words or less."  Here's mine.

Flashification

The conceptation of flash sites is to further accenticate good grammarage. Using too many words is called overwriting, or as some call it, desimplification. Doublespeak, the government version of desimplification, is also known as govspeak, govbabble, and politalk. Plague-avoid this. It's deadlious.
Flashion is the heightest form of trusimplification, or the art of unmystifying meaning. Like the hero called Flash himself, be the quickifest version possible. Use your smoothliest expressifications. Hammer home meaningnails.
Trash frillinormous adverbs and unconnect from ginormous nounwords. Present the smoothliest cream of meaning possible -- a banana smoothie of wordage. Blendification of understanding is the goal.

Overwritten Hunk

(Like "Flashionation" for this flash we were supposed to over-write a description for a simple thing.)
The meatiness of it thrilled her from her tiny, itty bitty little feet to her abundantly flowing cascade of rich streaming hair. She flounced said locks, running a manicured hand through the generous quantity of golden curls that bounced around her shoulders. Her fingertips, painted white by the French manicure process, which was not truly paint but a type of pencil painstakingly etched underneath her long, oval shaped nails, tapped the edge of the meat delicately.
Too much pressure on such a tender hunk might cause everything to slip, spreading juices over the white tablecloth as she cut the steak.

I hope you enjoyed this! Feel free to leave a flash of your own.

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Welcome to Book Hooks!

Marketing for Romance Writers Book HooksBook Hooks is a weekly cooperative blog hop hosted by Marketing for Romance Writers as part of the MFRW Authors Blog.
It's a chance each week for you to discover current works in progress or previously published books by possibly new-to-you authors.
Thank you for stopping by.

Links below lead to other sites also taking part. You can "hop" from mine to theirs with one click.

Feel free to say hello or leave a note in the comments.

Characters mentioned on this page might be found in multiple books in my story universe. Download a printable book list and check them off as you read.


~ Copyright ©2024 Kayelle Allen. All rights reserved ~ Kayelle Allen participates in the Amazon Services LLC Associates program, an affiliate advertising program which provides the means for sites to earn fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com. If you purchase an item listed on the site from Amazon.com, Kayelle will earn a small commission. Other sites might be affiliate links as well. These will not result in higher prices for you. Thank you for your support!


To experience art, sci-fi, romance, and space opera with unstoppable, unshakeable, unforgettable characters so real you'll swear you've met them, join me on Ream Stories!

An Alien's View of ChristmasA few years ago I saw a comment about the oddness of Christmas that has stuck with me. It said, “At what other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?”

Too true. We see Christmas cards of cute guys wearing Santa outfits while holding puppies. There are cards with our kids on them, or our grandkids. Pictures of decorated trees. Snow-scenes. Snowmen, in fact — snow families. St. Nicholas, aka the Jolly Fat Man. We spend money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like. Christmas is a bit odd in that way.

Now, imagine if you were an alien and had never experienced a twenty-first century Christmas before. You arrive on Earth on December 24, 2013 in North America. Your arrival was purposely quiet. Your mission is to observe and report back without being noticed. What would you say in your report?

Population: extremely heavy in rural and shopping areas, while places of apparent business seem abandoned by comparison

Advertisements: Profusion of advertising featuring a fat, graying man in a red suit trimmed with white fur, oddly mixed with what appears to be ads for exercise equipment for a “fit new year”. Same man appears on street corners ringing bells, and on thrones in places of business. People bring children to him. Cannot determine if this is a deity or a patron of sales. Suggest second trip in different season to observe.

Security: Armed and unarmed uniformed police everywhere. Extreme attention at places of commerce, and on items which appear to be small plastic cards. These are often shown before leaving with purchases, although no currency seems to change hands. Perhaps the items being removed from places of business can be recalled by the “cashier”, and the cards are merely ID.

Food: Lavish meals are being planned, with images of huge cooked birds on platters. High attention is paid to crooked red and white “canes” often decorated with attached items. Pastries in the form of small biscuit-shapes are seen everywhere. Most are decorated or festooned with icing and sprinkles. Perhaps these are the reason such attention is paid to “fitness equipment.”

Space travel: Confusingly, there are multiple images of outer space travel displaying advanced ships and alien contact, yet these all seem to be works of fiction.

Weaponry: Debates ongoing over “gun control” while civil wars are taking place throughout the world. Pockets of war interspersed with areas of peace. Most weaponry is primitive compared to ours.

First Contact: So-called UFOs are discussed everywhere. Population seems open to first contact, while government is apparently opposed to same.

Potential for Colonization: Wait another century

What do you think? What types of items did I miss that the alien would have reported?

Happy Holidays to you and yours, no matter what planet you call home.

Posted in Humorous Stories | Tagged , |

I’m a Writer.
This is from a flash witing challenge and is reprinted in full on this blog.
– – –
Every day, I get up and I look in the mirror, and I say, “My name is Chris, and I’m a writer. Today’s the day, baby! I’m gonna be famous.” As you can see, I don’t just talk to myself; I lie to myself.
Yeah, well today, I quit. Writing, not lying.
Here’s why. The last line of my editor’s letter said, “Make it more heartwarming, and it’ll sell.”
Heartwarming? I’ll give him heartwarming! How many hours did I sit here, at his suggestion no less, staring at the screen, trying to come up with ways to increase action? Okay, so now you’ve got your slam-bam action. There’s a crisis on every page. And he wants “heartwarming.”
I’m an action writer. Heartburn is more like it.
My hero’s a player, smart, in great shape, face and body like one of those models from New York. He can do anything. Problem is, he’s all mouth. You know the type. Knows everything, and makes sure you hear about it. Here’s one of his lines. “I’m so much more intelligent than most of my friends that they don’t seem to like me. Apparently, they have ego problems.”
How do you make a guy like that heartwarming?
He’s a spy. Carries an arsenal in his pants, in more ways than one. Kills for a living. Crude and rude. Think Dirty Harry meets James Bond. What does this editor want, Dirty Harry meets Love Story? Cute little warm fuzzies all over the place? My poor hero would puke.
I can see it now: “Love means never having to say I’m Bond. James Bond.”
My friends would laugh themselves silly. Hmmm. Wait a second. What if I made it a comedy? I could do comedy. Dirty Harry meets Love Story… I could call it “Dirty Love Story.” Yeah… I kind of like that. Maybe the hero’s got a thing for love stories. Reads women’s erotica on the sly, to find out what women really want in bed. Yeah! That could work. That’s heartwarming, isn’t it?
I gotta go find a pen. Today’s the day, baby! I’m gonna be famous.
Kayelle Allen is an award-winning, multi-published author. Her heroes and heroines include badass immortals, warriors who purr, and agents who find the unfindable–or hide it forever. She is known for unstoppable heroes, uncompromising love, and unforgettable passion.
Posted in Humorous Stories | Tagged , , |

Complete Set Tales of the Chosen Series #MMRomance #SciFi #WriteLGBTQIf you want to date a gay immortal, what should you consider? Here are ten tips.

  1. Go out with your gay immortal guy because you like him as a person, rather than to find The One. Face it, how many times are you going to get a date with an immortal? Even if it doesn’t work out, this will be a date to remember. Enjoy it just for the experience.
  2. Practice safe dating. Your immortal may enjoy death-defying endeavors on dates, but unlike him, you won’t live forever. Wear a seat belt, a helmet, and unless he’s immune to everything, sterile, and can prove it, use a condom.
  3. If he’s bi, accept it. If he’s lived centuries, he might have tried almost anything. It’s true that he may not have found Mr. Right yet and you may be The One. It’s also possible he’s simply in touch with his polyamorous inner lover and enjoys a wide variety of relationships. Bottom line, don’t get your heart broken — pay attention to the signs.
  4. If your gay immortal is a shapeshifter, were-creature, or undead, these attributes can add an entirely new level to your relationship. But be sure you’re ready for sex with a guy who’s really (and I do mean really) a beast.
  5. Don’t offer your guy flowers, candy, or other trinkets on the first date. Immortals are used to giving gifts, but some are uncomfortable with getting them. However, after a few dates, if you bring him flowers, he’ll be surprised, and likely touched that you took time to think of him. In a way, flowers on a first date are expected — but flowers on the fourth are not. Surprise him.
  6. Speaking of gifts, if you want something that will stun your gay immortal, why not give him the stars? Literally. Go to http://adoptastar.whitedwarf.org/ and you can adopt a star for him, get a certificate, and present it to him. If he’s from the future, he might even share memories of having visited there. Plus the money goes to help scientists with research.
  7. Get your sleep. Immortals tend to “stay up all night” if you get my drift, and you’ll want to be well rested to take advantage of that.
  8. Be on time. He might not be, depending on what era he’s from (future, past, and present sometimes run together for an immortal), and that’s something to deal with if necessary, but don’t keep him waiting. He’s spent enough time alone as it is.
  9. Dress comfortably, but well. The first date is definitely the time to break out sexy underwear. Whether you want to show it to him on the first date is another matter. But wearing it will give you a feeling of looking and feeling your best.
  10. Use the law of attraction to win his heart. This can be true with any guy, but for an immortal, it’s vital. What is this law? “You get back what you give out.” Project a positive, energetic vibe by looking for ways to make him happy, and if he responds in kind, you may have a winner. However, If you give and give, and he only takes and takes… that has nothing to do with his being a gay immortal. He’s just a jerk. Move on.

So, what are your tips for dating a gay immortal? If you’ve got one, share it in the comments.

When a glorified space pirate turned entrepreneur rescues a vulnerable orphan, a chain of events sets chaos in motion.

At war with his compassion for the toddler, loyalty to the king, duty to the Guild, and the bright lure of freedom he's coveted for centuries, Luc seeks the right path.

A hard choice for any man.

 

For an immortal whose inner monster can destroy on sight? Impossible. A pirate with a monstrous past can never be trusted with an innocent child.

Luc must ensure the child is protected, safe, nowhere near danger. Nowhere near him.

Even if this little boy has already stolen his heart...

Excerpt from A Stolen Heart by Kayelle Allen

In this scene, when Luc is asked to find a missing child, he's sure he's misunderstood something. After all, this is the master of misdirection he's talking to: Pietas, who wants him to find a kid? Sure he does. Meanwhile, the king has brought out his panther and is petting the animal. It's far from tame, but Luc is quite familiar with it.

---

"Locate the girl." Pietas stroked the panther. "Once you tell me where she is, you'll be free. I don't need you to rescue her. Just inform me."

"I see." Luc did not. "Find this ten year-old girl. Tell you where she is. That's it."

"Yes. Then after your Deshai graduates, you can move to Tarth and start that building you've been planning."

"Hmm." This was far too easy. Obviously, he'd missed something. Mentally, Luc walked back through the last bits of conversation. "To clarify, you don't want me to bring her to you. You want me to find her and tell you where she is."

"Asked and answered." Pietas studied him. "Why is this so hard for you? Find her. Tell me. Not difficult. But it is urgent."

"What's so important about her?"

Pietas kissed the panther on the nose. "It's not her so much as her parents. If we find her and then take her to them, we'll have more influence."

Now they were getting somewhere. "And who are they?"

"My sister told you about the FTA, didn't she?"

"FTA." Acronyms filled his world, but this one? New to him. Why did that earlier dread raise its ugly head again? He'd probably be better off not knowing, but Pietas seemed to be waiting for an answer. "Not a word. What is it?"

"She didn't?" Pietas frowned. "Oh, I thought... Never mind." He tugged the panther's ears. "The FTA is the Forgotten Technologies Arena."

"Forgotten by whom?"

"The ancients. It's secret tech. Forbidden."

"Forbidden." The headache he'd faced over the last hour spiked through his brain. He rubbed his temples. Why him? Why now? "Pietas..."

"Oh, will you stop worrying?" The man looked over at him. "No one's going to get sucked into a wormhole this time."

Luc forced himself to take a deep breath and let it all the way out. "That's what you said the last time."

Read an exclusive behind the scenes book based on the Antonello Brothers series!


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You'll find these characters mentioned in many books in my story universe.
Download a printable book list and check them off as you read.

Characters mentioned on this page might be found in multiple books in my story universe. Download a printable book list and check them off as you read.


~ Copyright ©2024 Kayelle Allen. All rights reserved ~ Kayelle Allen participates in the Amazon Services LLC Associates program, an affiliate advertising program which provides the means for sites to earn fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com. If you purchase an item listed on the site from Amazon.com, Kayelle will earn a small commission. Other sites might be affiliate links as well. These will not result in higher prices for you. Thank you for your support!


To experience art, sci-fi, romance, and space opera with unstoppable, unshakeable, unforgettable characters so real you'll swear you've met them, join me on Ream Stories!


JOIN US FOR BOOKHOOKS
Book Hooks is a weekly cooperative meme hosted by Marketing for Romance Writers as part of the MFRW Authors Blog.
It's a chance each week for you the reader to discover current works in progress or previously published books by possibly new-to-you authors.
Thank you for stopping by. Please say hello or leave a note in the comments.

remember back to the future

“You made a time machine out of a DeLorean?”

Remember this day in movie lore? Wednesday, October 21, 2015 — that’s the day set into the Flux Capacitor in the movie “Back to the Future” starring Christopher Lloyd and Michael J Fox. The flick had Doc Brown (Lloyd) and Marty McFly (Fox) jumping through time. Because Marty accidentally went back in time, Doc had to get him back to the future in order to set events right. They unknowingly caused a rift in the space-time continuum, and at the end of the movie, Doc comes back from the distant future to Marty’s current time to get him and his girlfriend and go back to another future.

The story was a lot of fun, and was one of the first to be made where the sequels were shot at the same time. The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings were shot concurrently as well. Many fun websites and posts went up about the film, and discussions about continuity between the movies were the source of many fun arguments. In one scene, Marty wears a handheld hairdryer as if it’s a gun, but there were no such devices in that time. It was revealed that the device was originally included in the suitcase that Doc packed, and which Marty brought back in time with him because it was already in the time machine.

Speaking of which, whoever thought of putting a time machine into a DeLorean? If I remember correctly, Doc Brown reasoned if he could crank the car up to 88 miles per hour, the flux capacitor would kick in and spark the jump. Which it did, creating a comical series of events. Marty gets in the car to outrun bad guys early in the film, and ends up being shot into the past, where the car takes out a pine tree. The movie starts out with Marty arriving at Twin Pines Mall to meet Doc, and ends with him returning to Lone Pine Mall, one of the first hints that the future has changed.

remember back to the future

Time travel has always fascinated me, and watching this movie and its sequels has been great fun in the past. I’ve shared it with my kids and grandkids. I’m looking forward to the upcoming Star Wars movie. How many times have you seen the originals? Like millions — I’ll be anxiously awaiting the return of heroes I’ve known nearly all my life. And yes (cue the heavy breathing) at least one villain.

Share what you remember about Back to the Future. Have you seen it? How about the sequels? How many times? What is your favorite line? Mine is “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need any roads.” Share in the comments.

Image credits: “TeamTimeCar.com-BTTF DeLorean Time Machine-OtoGodfrey.com-JMortonPhoto.com-07” by Terabass – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0 via Commons http://bit.ly/1GpyN1V