fbpx
Back to Top

Category: Humorous Stories

Material written to be funny, or to display humor.

From the Spambox: Another Amusing Title

Updated on by
Stop Spam!

Periodically, I do a blog post about funny spam. I get a kick out of reading the subjects in my email?s junk mail folder. Sometimes the wording clues you in right away that it?s bogus. Other times, you can tell by the ?from? name that it’s not someone you know, or that it?s not who it purports to be. For example, I doubt the real Federal Bureau of Investigation would send me an email advising me of the fact that they had a warrant for my arrest. Somehow, I think they?d just come and find me. Honestly, I don?t move around that much. It wouldn?t be hard for them to grab me at all.

But scam artists still try to fool us. Here are some amusing subject lines I?ve seen lately. (All spelling is exactly as it was in the original version.)

THE CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION AGAINS YOU HAS STARTED. GRAVE PRIVACY VIOLATION IS A SERIOUS THING.
Okay… grave privacy violation? What, are we talking about grave robbers here? Someone maybe stealing headstones? To do what, exactly? Recycle? In case there might be another person with the same name who needs a headstone, and who died on the same date? No… somehow I don?t think it?s that kind of grave. But the word ?agains? shows me that someone is either careless and doesn?t check spelling (against) or this is a non-English speaking translation. Either way, obvious spam.

CAN I TRUST YOU
I don?t think a day goes by that I don?t see this message in my spam box. If you don?t know that, why are you sending me an email asking me for… what, exactly? To trust you with a small fortune? To smuggle goods out of the country? Or into this one? Good grief. I?m wondering as I write this if some random sweep by the FBI and my use of their name above with the words smuggle will trigger a visit. Or maybe this post will be viewed by Homeland Security? Of course, now that I?ve used both FBI and Homeland Security, I?m probably a goner for sure. Anyway, on to another amusing title from the spam filter.

WITH MY DIGNITY IS VERY URGENT PLEASE?
I wonder if the spammers of the world know how much laughter they cause with titles like this. It made me literally laugh out loud. What the heck is this supposed to mean? Anyone want to hazard a guess?

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I GUESS NICE. MY IS A LITTLE BIT HOT OVER HERE.
Do you even want to know what this email is about? No. No, I didn?t think so. I didn?t either. Like 99.9% of spam, I deleted it unopened. But I did laugh. What is the .01% I do open? Things from friends that got mislabeled, or registration confirmations that were mis-sent to spam. That’s about it. I am uber careful about what I open online.

WE THE FBI HAVE WARRANT TO ARREST YOU GET BACK TO US FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

We have a warrant…

Here’s another unopened message that generated giggles. Riiiiight. I?ll get right on that. But first I have to take care of this vital email.

SCAM VICTIM COMPENSATION PAYMENT ADVISE/ OPEN THE ATTACHED FOR MORE DETAILS.
Yes, I am going to open your attachment. I haven?t caught any good viruses lately. I?m sure I?m overdue. Not.

ATTENTION DEAR
Ever wonder why so many scammers and spammers use the word ?dear? in the subjects of their emails? Is that supposed to make me believe you know me? For some reason, most of these are from individuals who add Mr. or Mrs. to their names in the from section, which is completely at odds with the friendly greeting.

PAYMENT OF PRIZE & CLAIM
I?m on this ASAP because even though I haven?t entered a sweepstakes contest in twenty years, I?m sure I?ve won something big and expensive. Can?t wait to see what it is!

And that concludes our selection of exciting spam messages this time. Be sure to stay tuned for the next edition of ?From the Spambox.?

Kayelle Allen is an award-winning, multi-published author. Her heroes and heroines include badass immortals, warriors who purr, and agents who find the unfindable–or hide it forever. She is known for unstoppable heroes, uncompromising love, and unforgettable passion.
Posted in Humorous Stories | Tagged , |

Flashing the Fiction

Updated on by
Good Writing.

Flash fiction is a short piece, often less than 500 words. I have three flashes from a challenge I did with fellow authors that I’m sharing today, each under 100 words. I hope you enjoy them. Each is a complete scene or story.

– – –

Waiting
Just a little more … don?t stop. Don?t stop! Need this so bad. Need this. Please – don?t – stop.
A little bit more. Come on, come on, that?s it. Let it go. Give it up. So close. Almost there. He blew out the breath he?d been holding and took another one, hands shaking.
Been waiting for this – been wanting it, so, so damn bad. He licked his lips.
I should?ve started so much earlier, taken more time, gotten all of it ready. Oh! Yes. Yes…. here it comes!
The last little bit of ketchup landed on his fries.
– – –
Helping
She spread her thighs wider and slid down a little. ?There. Can you get it in now??
?No. Not yet.? He hooched over to the right, grunting a bit as he pushed harder. ?Hold still.?
?Hurry up, baby.?
?I?m trying!? He shifted his shoulders, angled one foot against the ground for better leverage. ?It?s almost within the hole. Just a little…?
?Do it harder! I can?t keep this up.?
?Hold on, baby. Hold on.? He wiped sweat from his brow. The heat rose. Fingertips slick with lubricant, he rubbed the opening. With a click, the car?s axle slid into place.
– – –
Red
So much for avoiding a hard-on and embarrassing myself. She?s wearing red. Again.
I needed her to wear one more red dress to haunt my memories. This one was sleeveless, baring perfectly formed arms, strong and feminine. Strapless too, revealing skin the color of mahogany cream.
A man doesn?t stand a chance with her in that dress. Long, slinky, shiny, scarlet. Oh, God. It looks– wet.
Her mouth was the same red, her lips plump, like she?d just been kissed. Like she?d run her tongue across them. Like she was wanting him.
Is she wet anywhere else?
Damn, damn, damn.
– – –
So… how do you like my flashes? =^_^=
Kayelle Allen is an award-winning, multi-published author. Her heroes and heroines include badass immortals, warriors who purr, and agents who find the unfindable–or hide it forever. She is known for unstoppable heroes, uncompromising love, and unforgettable passion.
Posted in Humorous Stories | Tagged , |

A Little Pet Humor – Woolyboogers

Updated on by
A Woolybooger.

How about a little humor?
– – –
A man goes into a pet store and says he wants something unusual for his wife, who’s been in a bad mood lately.
The owner points toward the back. “I have a new creature called a Woolybooger. You gotta see this.”
The man follows him to the back of the store, and in a small cage sits a blue thing with pincers and one giant eye.
“Man, that’s ugly. What does it do?”
“Watch this.” The owner opens the cage, puts down a stuffed toy, and says, “Woolybooger, that toy.”
The Woolybooger jumps on it, fangs protrude from beneath it, it uses its pincers, and tears the toy to shreds in seconds.
The man claps a hand over his mouth. “Wow! That’s amazing! I’ll take it.”
He gets home, and puts the cage in the middle of the living room, and waits for his wife.
She drives home in terrible traffic, gets a ticket, and can’t find a place to park in the apartment complex. By the time she gets inside, she’s had it. She takes one look at the thing in the cage, and lets out a screech. “What the hell is that?”
The husband grins. “Watch this.” He opens the cage and points to the ottoman. “Woolybooger, that ottoman.”
The creature jumps on it, fangs protrude from it, the pincers go into action, and in seconds, the ottoman is shreds on the floor.
The husband folds his arms. “Well, honey? What do you think?”
“What did you say that ugly thing was?”
“A Woolybooger.”
His wife turns her back, irritated beyond belief. “Woolybooger, my ass.”
Kayelle Allen is an award-winning, multi-published author. Her heroes and heroines include badass immortals, warriors who purr, and agents who find the unfindable–or hide it forever. She is known for unstoppable heroes, uncompromising love, and unforgettable passion.
Posted in Humorous Stories |

With Love, to Spammers #humor

Updated on by
Stop Spam.

Dear Spammers,
Thank you for the many emails you’ve sent me. I’ve become quite adept at spotting them. One trick I particularly like is when all of you decide on a specific topic for the subject line of your emails, and then you all use it the same day. Such as “Notice of Extreme Win.” Nothing grabs my attention like seeing six of these lined up in my inbox, all from different people.

Another favorite — and recent trick — was a flurry of notes that advised me about my “ex” saying bad things about me, or in some cases, that he was posting bad pictures of me. That had me puzzled at first, especially since I’ve been married to the same man for 37 happy years and don’t have an ex. But it helped me spot you!

Then there’s the “Can you tell English is not my first language” message. Topics such as “Plese to be my frend” or the oldie but goodie “strive to use for benfitting of ze chilldren.” I also like the tried but true “this massage no the spam” one.

No Spam

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank you for reminding me that I, too, can add an extra inch to my manhood. The fact that I’m female apparently doesn’t make any difference. How nice to know. Recently, you brought to my attention that there is “strength in the extra inch” — so I guess those old commercials about being a “silly milimeter longer” might have been right. And of course, I can always “Watch it grow bigger.”

Thanks, too, for the email subjects that begin “Dearest One” or “Dear Winner” or “Dear Beneficiary.” I look forward to these because they show me how many people out there love me. People I have never even met, but who go out of their way to show me how much they want to get to know me. I appreciate the opportunity to share with you, especially your kind requests for my checking account information, credit card secret number, passwords, and the like. The internet is an amazingly friendly place. People like you make it “oh so special.”

End Spam

Another good thing you’ve provided is the reminder that to get the full benefit of your email, I should open and download attached documents. These have contained items that remind me of the fall of Troy, and that big horse that was left for its residents. Good of you to note in your subject that “this message is verified safe” — which is what I know most of my true friends would put in their subjects to reassure me.

Stop Spam Forever

Lately though I’ve wondered about a few of you. Why do you put ***SPAM*** in the topic of your email? Do you think it will somehow miss the target that I’ve set for it on my mailbox system? I have to say, that isn’t one of your better decisions. Kind of like painting a target on your back and chest. I am disappointed that you’ve gotten that lazy. I’ve been having fun trying to figure out which message is from you and which from real friends. I have noticed though that friends don’t tend to send me emails telling me where to score the best drugs. Some of my friends might ask *me* where to get them — but few will volunteer that info in the open.

Overall, I wanted you to know that I take special pains with your messages, and even have a folder just for you. Nearly all of your messages go directly there. I’ve trained my email program to recognize most of you. For those who are new, take heart. I’m sure I’ll figure you out eventually, and you’ll be routed to my exclusive list of “special emails” or that elite folder I’ve set up for you and your friends. Till then, My Dearest, may your inbox never be empty.

Kayelle Allen is an award-winning, multi-published author. Her heroes and heroines include badass immortals, warriors who purr, and agents who find the unfindable–or hide it forever. She is known for unstoppable heroes, uncompromising love, and unforgettable passion.
Posted in Humorous Stories | Tagged , |

Avoiding Spam and Scams

Updated on by

Stop Spam.
Because I’m an author, I probably get more email than the average person, so I see more spam too. I’ve learned the patterns people use and this helps me avoid it most of the time. These lines: “check this out” “look at this amazing site” “is this really you in these pictures?” “your ex is saying bad things about you here” are often scams.
When I hold a contest, I can’t send the person who wins an email that says “Winner!” in the subject, because their spam service will throw it straight into the junk pile. I have to think about my posts and try to word them in such a way that they get past the junk mail and reach the person who entered.
Despite our best intentions, sometimes email goes to spam for reasons that we don’t understand. I had two separate offers for book contracts end up in my spam folder. I check that folder before I dump it because of that. At least once or twice a week, something ends up in spam that shouldn’t be there.
Yahoo, Rocketmail, Hotmail, MSN, and most other email services will flag an email that contains only a link as spam, so whenever you post, do include something about the site, and include your name. Spammers always go for the easiest route to produce lots of messages, so they don’t bother to sign most of them.
There are exceptions of course. Have you ever gotten an email from a friend saying that she’s in a foreign country, has had her purse stolen, or that she’s been jailed for a crime she didn’t commit and desperately needs your help to raise cash? Chances are, she’s home, sitting in the living room, and is clueless that her email account has just been hacked. It can happen to anyone (and did to me last May). If you get an email like this, first, don’t believe it. Second, contact your friend by a different method and alert her. Third, don’t believe it. (Yes, I repeated that) ^_^
Protecting yourself online is important. Never click on a link that appears by itself, with no information about its meaning, who sent it, or what it’s about. You can be setting yourself up for a scam, or to be hit by malware that downloads itself when you click the link. One of the biggest going around right now looks like it’s from Amazon, and says it’s a cancelation.
To tell where a link is going, point to it with your cursor, and look at the bottom of your screen. In your browser, the place where the link will take you usually shows up in the lower left margin. If the link says it’s one place, but the URL shows somewhere else, don’t click it. It’s a scam.
Ever been scammed or had your account hacked? What did you do?
Kayelle Allen is an award-winning, multi-published author. Her heroes and heroines include badass immortals, warriors who purr, and agents who find the unfindable–or hide it forever. She is known for unstoppable heroes, uncompromising love, and unforgettable passion.
Posted in Humorous Stories | Tagged , |

#starwars Love it or hate it #MaytheFourthBeWithYou

Updated on by

StarWars with MikeyTrue confession: I am a geek and proud of it. I love StarWars and saw the first movie in a theater when it first came out. I was pregnant with my first child at the time. When StarWars: the Force Awakens came out last year, I took her youngest child to see it. I felt as if I’d gone full circle.

StarWars Opinions

Everyone has an opinion about this series. I won’t go into the platitudes about it or state the obvious about how it changed cinema forever. It’s obvious that it did. The technology to create the first film revolutionized filming. SteadiCam anyone? In the same way, Avatar made 3D a new force to be reckoned with (no pun intended).

When fans say “May the Fourth be with you” on every May 4th, it’s a tribute to the legacy of the series. The Jedi say “May the force be with you” as a means of farewell, and a blessing that is more than “good luck”. The fan phrase is also a reminder of the fun to be had when watching the films. When I saw The Force Awakens I loved seeing all the Easter eggs (references to things fans would recognize). There were entire blogs devoted to listing them. Here’s a trailer that claims to list them ALL.

https://youtu.be/8Rfs8Mx3Xx8

Created by George Lucas, the first film in the series was released in 1977. It began with the Episode 4: A New Hope. Episode 5 and 6 followed, and then several years later, episodes 1, 2, and 3 were released. With episode 7, we are beginning a new leg of the series. It’s a fan joke that we teach our kids to count this way: 4-5-6-1-2-3-7. Seriously, when you ask someone if they’ve seen the first StarWars, they invariably ask “Episode 1 or Episode 4”? Because 4 was the first, but 1 is the fourth, while still technically being the first episode. It’s like being a termite in a yo-yo. You go around and around with this.

But however you add it up, StarWars is one of those series you either love or hate. It’s polarizing, and hard to explain. I guess you’ll have to see it for yourself. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. Whether you are a new fan or one from way back, may the fourth (and the force) be with you.