#starwars Love it or hate it #MaytheFourthBeWithYou

Kayelle Allen 05/03/2016 Humorous Stories

True confession: I am a geek and proud of it. I love StarWars and saw the first movie in a theater when it first came out. I was pregnant with my first child at the time. When StarWars: the Force Awakens came out last year, I took her youngest child to see it. I felt as if I’d gone full circle.

StarWars Opinions

Everyone has an opinion about this series. I won’t go into the platitudes about it or state the obvious about how it changed cinema forever. It’s obvious that it did. The technology to create the first film revolutionized filming. SteadiCam anyone? In the same way, Avatar made 3D a new force to be reckoned with (no pun intended).

When fans say “May the Fourth be with you” on every May 4th, it’s a tribute to the legacy of the series. The Jedi say “May the force be with you” as a means of farewell, and a blessing that is more than “good luck”. The fan phrase is also a reminder of the fun to be had when watching the films. When I saw The Force Awakens I loved seeing all the Easter eggs (references to things fans would recognize). There were entire blogs devoted to listing them. Here’s a trailer that claims to list them ALL.

https://youtu.be/8Rfs8Mx3Xx8

Created by George Lucas, the first film in the series was released in 1977. It began with the Episode 4: A New Hope. Episode 5 and 6 followed, and then several years later, episodes 1, 2, and 3 were released. With episode 7, we are beginning a new leg of the series. It’s a fan joke that we teach our kids to count this way: 4-5-6-1-2-3-7. Seriously, when you ask someone if they’ve seen the first StarWars, they invariably ask “Episode 1 or Episode 4”? Because 4 was the first, but 1 is the fourth, while still technically being the first episode. It’s like being a termite in a yo-yo. You go around and around with this.

But however you add it up, StarWars is one of those series you either love or hate. It’s polarizing, and hard to explain. I guess you’ll have to see it for yourself. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. Whether you are a new fan or one from way back, may the fourth (and the force) be with you.

Mayday! The Bringer of Chaos is in the house #Chaos #SciFi #Mayday

Kayelle Allen 05/01/2016 Fallen Empires

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

According to Wikipedia, the phrase Mayday Mayday Mayday is used to signal a life-threatening emergency primarily by aviators and mariners. In some countries local organizations such as firefighters, police forces, and transportation organizations also use the term. The call is always given three times in a row ("Mayday Mayday Mayday") to prevent its being mistaken for some similar-sounding phrase under noisy conditions, and to distinguish an actual Mayday call from a message about a Mayday call. I thought Mayday was a fitting release date for a book about Pietas, known throughout the galaxy as the Bringer of Chaos.

This scifi book is now available on all retailers.

Download the Pietas coloring book and share it with friends.

Read the introduction, a foreward by the hero of the book, below.

You are unworthy, human.

A foreword from Pietas

This book you hold is being presented as fiction, but it did happen. It is as real as the air you breathe. While this is not a first-person story, it follows my point of view.

I would never have allowed a human to know these things, but a friend persuaded me there can be no vengeance unless those in the wrong know what they did. When one has wronged another, one must face the consequences.

Having been persuaded to tell the story, I now allow it to be placed into your hands. I want you to know the truth. Why? Because other Ultras have hidden the truth. Buried it beneath fables and false retellings, as if you were a child unable to bear harsh reality. Unwilling to face the consequences of what your kind has done.

Above all, because I will not lie to you.

When I come for you, I want the satisfaction of seeing your regret for what your ancestors did to my kind. I want to see your fear, and taste your terror.

This is no horror story. It's merely science fiction. Tell yourself it is only fable, if that will help you sleep. By all means, human, do sleep.

Read this, if you dare to know the truth.

~ Pietas

Take me #BacktotheFuture Remember the Day #scifi

Kayelle Allen 10/21/2015 Humorous Stories

remember back to the future — “You made a time machine out of a DeLorean?”

Remember this day in movie lore? Wednesday, October 21, 2015 — that’s the day set into the Flux Capacitor in the movie “Back to the Future” starring Christopher Lloyd and Michael J Fox. The flick had Doc Brown (Lloyd) and Marty McFly (Fox) jumping through time. Because Marty accidentally went back in time, Doc had to get him back to the future in order to set events right. They unknowingly caused a rift in the space-time continuum, and at the end of the movie, Doc comes back from the distant future to Marty’s current time to get him and his girlfriend and go back to another future.

The story was a lot of fun, and was one of the first to be made where the sequels were shot at the same time. The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings were shot concurrently as well. Many fun websites and posts went up about the film, and discussions about continuity between the movies were the source of many fun arguments. In one scene, Marty wears a handheld hairdryer as if it’s a gun, but there were no such devices in that time. It was revealed that the device was originally included in the suitcase that Doc packed, and which Marty brought back in time with him because it was already in the time machine.

Speaking of which, whoever thought of putting a time machine into a DeLorean? If I remember correctly, Doc Brown reasoned if he could crank the car up to 88 miles per hour, the flux capacitor would kick in and spark the jump. Which it did, creating a comical series of events. Marty gets in the car to outrun bad guys early in the film, and ends up being shot into the past, where the car takes out a pine tree. The movie starts out with Marty arriving at Twin Pines Mall to meet Doc, and ends with him returning to Lone Pine Mall, one of the first hints that the future has changed.

remember back to the future

Time travel has always fascinated me, and watching this movie and its sequels has been great fun in the past. I’ve shared it with my kids and grandkids. I’m looking forward to the upcoming Star Wars movie. How many times have you seen the originals? Like millions — I’ll be anxiously awaiting the return of heroes I’ve known nearly all my life. And yes (cue the heavy breathing) at least one villain.

Share what you remember about Back to the Future. Have you seen it? How about the sequels? How many times? What is your favorite line? Mine is “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need any roads.” Share in the comments.

Image credits: “TeamTimeCar.com-BTTF DeLorean Time Machine-OtoGodfrey.com-JMortonPhoto.com-07” by Terabass – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0 via Commons http://bit.ly/1GpyN1V

Cover Reveal: An Immortal’s Guide to Tarth #SciFi #ASMSG #IAN1

Kayelle Allen 09/08/2015 Science Fiction Books

An Immortal’s Guide to Tarth is a tongue-in-cheek look at what relocating would be like for the immortals in my books if they moved to the Tarthian Empire. A bit of non-fiction, written in a fictional way. The voice is that of Joss Avaton, one of the immortals. The rules of the immortal gamers role-playing game Peril are spelled out, and a who’s who among the gamers provided. A must-have for fans of the Tarthian Empire series. This handy guide will inform, entertain, and provide never before seen peeks behind the curtain.

This excerpt is taken from the opening of the book.

Greetings, Fellow Immortals

Welcome to the Tarthian Empire. This book is a guide to the people, places, and possibilities you’ll find here. A list of immortals and their roles in Peril is also included. All Sempervians are welcome here. This will be your home away from home. To those immortals who have joined us in our glorious exile — please know you are our honored guests. We are pleased to share the bounty of the Empire with you.

I’m Joss Avaton, your guide. A little about me. I’m telepathic (which most of us experience and understand), and a scripter, which means by touching you I can discern your abilities and gifts. Contrary to popular belief, scripters cannot tell your past or your future. We can only tell about your present: what gifts you possess now.

So that neither of us has any illusions, I will tell you up front that I am serving Penance. For those of you new to the game of Peril, that means I lost a game and must pay for it. In my case, it was a technicality, and the gamers in my session had nothing to do with my loss. I lost by my own mistakes, and take full responsibility. The gamer opposite me (Nanchonta) I would trust with my life, and have, many times. However, I would carefully watch the lead player in my support team (Akaghe) and never turn my back on him. Not for one moment. He is not based in the Tarthian Empire, for which I’m thankful. But enough about the past. I’m here to help you in your future with us.

While we are more than glad to welcome a fellow immortal into the Empire, you should be aware that the relationship between Mundanes (mortals) and ourselves is not an open one. To that end, let’s dive straight into the ironclad rules.

Rule Number One: This Book is for Immortals Only

By order of Pietas ap Lorectic, Lord of the Immortals, the Impaler, Hammer of God, Marauder, Soul Ripper, Destroyer of Worlds, Slayer of Innocents, Hound of Hell, you are ordered to set aside this book if you not immortal. Put down this book, walk away, and no one will get hurt. Should you decide to disobey this directive, that assurance is void.

With that warning in mind, you may proceed at your own risk.

Rule Number Two: Immortals Don’t Exist

Of course, immortals do exist. The fact that you are reading this book proves that. We are referring to what the non-immortal Mundane population thinks. They (other than the Chosen) are never to know of our existence. The rule regarding how much to reveal is simple: nothing.

We do not discuss immortality.

We avoid any mention of immortality.

If asked directly if we are immortal, we lie.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

The answer to “Why can’t we tell them?” is also simple: BPSS (Because Pietas said so). If you don’t know who Pietas is, we refer you to Rule Number One.

You will no doubt find yourself exasperated by the sheer number of Mundanes present in the Tarthian Empire, especially humans. They have overrun it and multiplied like rats in a pestilence. Which brings us to Rule Number Three.

Rule Number Three: Live and Let Live

By order of Pietas, humans and other people groups may not be killed for sport. That does not mean you can’t annoy, manipulate, and use them for your own purposes. However, the rule about killing is strictly enforced. You can be banned from the Empire for killing even one Mundane. Justifiable homicide must be proven in Mundane courts as well as before the throne of Pietas.

It has nothing to do with their inherent worthiness. Mundanes have none. However, we must coexist here and the worlds in the Tarthian Empire are filled with these creatures. They farm, raise fish, cattle, sheep, and other animals used for food, create cities, technology, transport, and other items which we find useful and helpful. Since we take full advantage of these things, it behooves us to let them exist. Therefore, the golden rule is “Live and let live.”

We cannot stress strongly enough the need to remember the golden rule when it comes to Mundanes, and especially humans. They tend to bring out the worst in us, so guard yourself against rash behavior in their presence. Pietas does not permit a “temporary insanity” defense. I know this chafes. You must learn to deal with it.
—
And there you have it. The new cover, in all its glorious riot of color.

Tropes as Elements in Fantasy and #Scifi @MelissaSnark #IAN1

Kayelle Allen 07/01/2015 Colonies of Man

Tropes are literary themes that recur across a genre. Think of tropes as the ‘brilliant detective’ of murder mysteries or ‘the virginal heroine’ in Regency romances. Tropes are more than character descriptions, however. They can relate to plot as well.

Films are often identified by their tropes: chick flick, shoot ’em up, RomCon, or the well known Whodunnit.

Tropes are similar to archetypes and clichés, although not necessarily negative in aspect. Tropes can abbreviate writing — and reading.

In the 1990 Arnold Schwarzennegar film Total Recall, the futuristic world had so many futuristic elements that it was hard to recognize roles. In one scene, a woman sitting at a desk casually changes the color of her nails by applying it with a special wand, while she answers a phone. Instantly, her secretarial role became recognizable. The shorthand of her actions told us what we needed to know, without spending time doing it. If a character walks in the room and he’s wearing a white coat and has a stethoscope hanging around his neck, we expect him to be a doctor. The props themselves are part of the tropes for these kinds of characters. It can become a cliche, yes. Even become part of a character archetype. Evil laugh for the villain? Check. But tropes are not necessarily a bad thing. There are thousands of tropes.

Tropes in Trailing Kaiwulf

To see where these colored boxes come from and to understand their concept, click HERE to open the Periodic Table of Storytelling in a new window.

Ind – Adventurer Archaelogist (Dr. Viva Post)

An older woman, Dr. Viva Post was confined to a hoverchair after a cave in at a ruins injured her spine. She uses a silver “strength suit” to walk or climb limited distances.

Ag – Action Girl (Jee Tonopah)

Jee is the personification of an Action Girl. She can go toe-to-toe with her male counterparts without breaking a sweat. The day she has to be rescued will never dawn. Although she is tiny in comparison to her beefy partner, she is the undisputed brawn to his brain.

Gb – Genius Bruiser (Dane Raphyel)

The Genius Bruiser is a big guy who is also a geek. Dane is far from being Dumb Muscle. He understands the significance of the MacGuffin being sought, as well as some of the history of the Gates Technology (Applied Phlebotinum).

Cal – The Call (TRAIL mission)

The first step in a hero’s journey is the point where our heroes learn they must abandon their well-earned vacations, saved for over a period of years, and go on a dire quest to retrieve a MacGuffin. A Living MacGuffin in this case.

Ob – Obstructive Bureaucrat (Jeff Thompson / Lt. Cmdr. Morrison / unnamed executive)

There are multiple Obstructive Bureacrats for the price of one in this story. Their machinations generally meet dire ends, as befits the annoying natures of the characters.

Phl – Applied Phlebotinum (Gates Technology)

As the tropes site explains, this is science, magic, and strange things unknown to science or magic. In Trailing Kaiwulf, there are various advanced technologies that are unexplained because they seem commonplace to the characters using them (intersteller flight, strength suits, communication devices, etc.). However, the defining “phlebotinum” of this book is the Gates technology. The ruins of twin steel arches over 200 feet high have been found on several previously thought uninhabited worlds. Scientists have puzzled over their intended use. On the planet Ust, they find a dying race that still uses the technology — or would have, if the key to turning on the Gates hadn’t been stolen. Finding and retrieving the person who stole the key is the crux of the story.

Mcg – MacGuffin (Kaiwulf)

Kaiwulf is a “Living MacGuffin” whose presence in the story serves to drive the plot. He’s an invisible man who can enter another dimension, and the heroes of the story must find and return him to this dimension.

Here’s a link to the original post on Melissa’s site for last year’s event.

Learn More About Tropes

A popular site for fans is TV Tropes. It started out as a small wiki for TV watchers, and has grown into millions of fans in every media. During the month of July, Author Melissa Snark is featuring a number of authors on her Snarkology site who will discuss tropes in their stories. The series is based on the Periodic Table of Storytelling, which is linked to the TV Tropes site. For this event, Melissa’s site and the TV Tropes site will be linked. Be sure to visit both. You won’t want to miss.

Each author in the Tropes event will have the opportunity to show off the varied tropes within one tale. Here is a list of appearances. I’m up first, on July 7th with The Last Vhalgenn.

July 7             Kayelle Allen
July 8             Jax Daniels
July 9             Nicole Zoltack
July 10           Houston Havens
July 11           Melissa Snark
July 13           Caroline Warfield
July 14           Jude Knight
July 15           Emily Walker
July 16           Mari Christie
July 17           Jami Brumfield

If you sign up for my newsletter you’ll be the first to hear when the post comes out. Signing up is easy. Just click the link shown above, or enter your email in the link on the left. Why not also follow the blog by choosing one of the options listed? Or sign up for one email when a new book is released by clicking here: Author Alarms Thank you for your support!

A #gem of a #scifi book

Kayelle Allen 03/28/2015 New Book

A gem — and charming too

I got a sweet review: “This gem of a scifi book offers tips for scifi writers, and secrets for fans of Kayelle Allen’s Tarthian Empire series.”

This is more true than you’d think. I’ve partnered with EssenTiles on Etsy to create beautiful gem-like charms of the cover, and my friend Paige created handmade glass beads (also a gem) that match the planets on the cover. She put beads and charms together to create a unique dustplug you can use with your cellphone.

How do they work? (in the phone image, it’s shown at the bottom. Your phone will have this jack at the top.) Insert the plastic plug into your cellphone’s audio jack and it keeps the dust out. It also makes a pretty gem dangle of bright color. I’ll give away one of these to the first five (US address only, please) who ask. You don’t have to leave personal info here. You can email me your contact info at author@kayelleallen.com and I’ll get back with you.

Paige created the beads by melting the glass and adding “frit” — fused or partially fused materials used in making glass — to create the markings on the “planets”. This ensures each bead is unique. The charms are quality glass with the image embedded inside.

fused or partially fused materials used in making glassRead more: http://www.answers.com/

I loved creating this unique gem as a giveaway, and hope you’ll enjoy using it!

About the Tarthian Empire Companion

For the science fiction writer, this volume teaches you how to build believable worlds, track details of your story, organize your writing, and lay out your story bible. Novice or experienced, you will pick up tricks and tips here. This EPIC eBook Award winning writer shares organizational tips, links to marketing sites, groups supporting writers, science fiction groups, and more. Material from the author’s 90+ page website is included.
For the science fiction fan, the Companion reveals the worldbuilding magic that makes Kayelle Allen’s Tarthian Empire tick. She shares every character in every book, 10k years of future history, offers inside peeks at scenes and stories, lays out a quick tour of the Empire, and dishes up a surfeit of secrets, all in one illustrated volume. Original art by Jamin Allen and Kayelle Allen.

Purchase

Amazon http://bit.ly/companion-az

How a Critique at Starbucks Helped Publish a Book #scifi #reference

Kayelle Allen 03/16/2015 Cyberpunk 3 Comments

Tarthian Empire Companion - A World-Building Bible and Guide to Writing a Science Fiction Series #Writing #SciFi In late 2013, I joined a local writer’s group. I was looking for a critique group, but figured any writer’s group would lead me to one. At the time, it was a weekly meeting and the emphasis of the group was strictly to do writing prompts. Members met at Starbucks, had coffee, and shared a new word they’d learned. The moderator then gave a topic and we spent 20 minutes writing. Afterward, we shared what we’d written and others in the group commented. About four months later, someone asked if we could meet on an additional, different day to critique already-written work. Several of us jumped at the chance. Within another three months, the original moderator left the group, and we began doing a critique at all meetings. In addition, or instead of, members can write to prompts and bring those. In any case, we all share critiques. The atmosphere is positive, friendly, and open.

Critique Groups Get Results

The group meets regularly, Tuesday for lunch at a different restaurant, and Saturday for coffee, and we do critiques of work we’re readying to publish. It’s produced some wonderful books, including Lisa Haman’s brilliant humorous noir, Mallow Mayhem. Imagine a world where marshmallow peeps rule. When a pink bunny goes missing, it’s up to yellow chick Philippa Marlowmellow to investigate. Lisa wrote this book with a nod to all the various kinds of peeps, without ever mentioning the candy or using its trademarked names.

Last year, I published A Romance for Christmas, which the group critiqued, and also Human Perfect. This month, I released The Tarthian Empire Companion, a non-fiction book the group helped me polish.

For the writer of science fiction, and the writer who wants to create a science fiction series, this volume teaches you how to build believable worlds, track details of your story, organize your writing, and lay out your story bible. Novice or experienced, you will pick up tricks and tips here. The Companion reveals the worldbuilding magic that makes the Tarthian Empire tick. I share 10k years of future history, offer peeks at scene and character creation, lay out a quick tour of the Empire, and dish up a surfeit of secrets for fans, all in one illustrated volume. The companion provides organizational tips, links to marketing sites, groups supporting writers, science fiction groups, and more. Material from my 90+ page website is included. Original art by Jamin Allen (and some by me).

It’s a good idea to have any book looked at by others before publishing it. When people put a checkmark next to a line because they like it, or tell you they got lost on a line, it helps. Better to have friends who tell you the truth about a scene and guide you to make it better, than to have reviewers tell you how badly you write. Once that book is out there, it’s out there.

So You Want to Date a Gay Immortal #LGBT #MFRWauthor #Humor

Kayelle Allen 09/01/2014 Humorous Stories

If you want to date a gay immortal, what should you consider? Here are ten tips.

Go out with your gay immortal guy because you like him as a person, rather than to find The One. Face it, how many times are you going to get a date with an immortal? Even if it doesn’t work out, this will be a date to remember. Enjoy it just for the experience.
Practice safe dating. Your immortal may enjoy death-defying endeavors on dates, but unlike him, you won’t live forever. Wear a seat belt, a helmet, and unless he’s immune to everything, sterile, and can prove it, use a condom.
If he’s bi, accept it. If he’s lived centuries, he might have tried almost anything. It’s true that he may not have found Mr. Right yet and you may be The One. It’s also possible he’s simply in touch with his polyamorous inner lover and enjoys a wide variety of relationships. Bottom line, don’t get your heart broken — pay attention to the signs.
If your gay immortal is a shapeshifter, were-creature, or undead, these attributes can add an entirely new level to your relationship. But be sure you’re ready for sex with a guy who’s really (and I do mean really) a beast.
Don’t offer your guy flowers, candy, or other trinkets on the first date. Immortals are used to giving gifts, but some are uncomfortable with getting them. However, after a few dates, if you bring him flowers, he’ll be surprised, and likely touched that you took time to think of him. In a way, flowers on a first date are expected — but flowers on the fourth are not. Surprise him.
Speaking of gifts, if you want something that will stun your gay immortal, why not give him the stars? Literally. Go to http://adoptastar.whitedwarf.org/ and you can adopt a star for him, get a certificate, and present it to him. If he’s from the future, he might even share memories of having visited there. Plus the money goes to help scientists with research.
Get your sleep. Immortals tend to “stay up all night” if you get my drift, and you’ll want to be well rested to take advantage of that.
Be on time. He might not be, depending on what era he’s from (future, past, and present sometimes run together for an immortal), and that’s something to deal with if necessary, but don’t keep him waiting. He’s spent enough time alone as it is.
Dress comfortably, but well. The first date is definitely the time to break out sexy underwear. Whether you want to show it to him on the first date is another matter. But wearing it will give you a feeling of looking and feeling your best.
Use the law of attraction to win his heart. This can be true with any guy, but for an immortal, it’s vital. What is this law? “You get back what you give out.” Project a positive, energetic vibe by looking for ways to make him happy, and if he responds in kind, you may have a winner. However, If you give and give, and he only takes and takes… that has nothing to do with his being a gay immortal. He’s just a jerk. Move on.

So, what are your tips for dating a gay immortal? If you’ve got one, share it in the comments.

What’s a Story Molecule? Trailing Kaiwulf by Kayelle Allen #MFRWauthor #Scifi @MelissaSnark

Kayelle Allen 07/17/2014 Character Insights 2 Comments

Like me, my friend Melissa Snark likes the TV Tropes website. What are tropes? They’re devices and conventions that a writer can reasonably rely on as being present in the audience members’ minds and expectations. On the whole, tropes are not cliches. The word cliched means “stereotyped and trite.” In other words, dull and uninteresting. The TV Tropes site isn’t about that. It’s about the creative use of these mega-themes.

The Periodic Table of Storytelling is a site that makes good use of these themes. By putting together all the basic tropes and assigning them a range of colors and letters, it’s possible to create a “story molecule” using the themes of the story.

Melissa had an idea. Why not take the TV Tropes website and figure out how to apply its amazing concepts to her own story? She hit upon an even better idea. Why not invite other authors to do the same thing? Adding icing to the cake, she contacted the TV Tropes site and asked if they’d like to take a look. They did, she did, and a group of us got together to share the idea of creating a story molecule.

Mine is the last one in the series, so I’m doing my best to make it awesome. I hope you’ll check it out. The book I’m featuring is Trailing Kaiwulf. Why not head over there and take a look? It’s amazing what she put together. Click here: http://is.gd/kaiwulf_molecule

Find an invisible man in another dimension? All in a day’s work at TRAIL.

Travel to a godforsaken planet on the outskirts of space. Check. Hold intrusive military types at bay. Check. Find an invisible man in a different dimension. Check. Finish out the vacation TRAIL yanked you back from to do it? Easier said than done.

Yanked back from their first vacation in ages, Jee and Dane get handed a top priority mission. The pay is better than any they’ve earned before as agents for the Trace, Rescue, and Identification League. With this much money, they might not need jobs. They’re the best there is, and the item, person, or secret hasn’t been invented that these two can’t recover. Until now.

Locating this quarry might be a bit past even their considerable skills. After all, how do you find an invisible man in another dimension? And who, exactly, is footing a bill this steep? Certainly not the archaeologist in charge. The military wants to get involved, but they have no monetary stake either. So who — or what — is behind the request to trail Kaiwulf?

Excerpt https://books2read.com/com-trailing-kaiwulfAmazon https://books2read.com/com-trailing-kaiwulfThis is a Trace, Rescue, and Identification League story.
Download the official TRAIL Facebook cover and other goodies: https://books2read.com/com-trailing-kaiwulf—
Learn more about the Periodic Table of Storytelling
http://designthroughstorytelling.net/periodic/

An Alien’s View of #Christmas #scifi

Kayelle Allen 12/21/2013 Humorous Stories 2 Comments

An Alien's View of Christmas A few years ago I saw a comment about the oddness of Christmas that has stuck with me. It said, “At what other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?”

Too true. We see Christmas cards of cute guys wearing Santa outfits while holding puppies. There are cards with our kids on them, or our grandkids. Pictures of decorated trees. Snow-scenes. Snowmen, in fact — snow families. St. Nicholas, aka the Jolly Fat Man. We spend money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like. Christmas is a bit odd in that way.

Now, imagine if you were an alien and had never experienced a twenty-first century Christmas before. You arrive on Earth on December 24, 2013 in North America. Your arrival was purposely quiet. Your mission is to observe and report back without being noticed. What would you say in your report?

Population: extremely heavy in rural and shopping areas, while places of apparent business seem abandoned by comparison

Advertisements: Profusion of advertising featuring a fat, graying man in a red suit trimmed with white fur, oddly mixed with what appears to be ads for exercise equipment for a “fit new year”. Same man appears on street corners ringing bells, and on thrones in places of business. People bring children to him. Cannot determine if this is a deity or a patron of sales. Suggest second trip in different season to observe.

Security: Armed and unarmed uniformed police everywhere. Extreme attention at places of commerce, and on items which appear to be small plastic cards. These are often shown before leaving with purchases, although no currency seems to change hands. Perhaps the items being removed from places of business can be recalled by the “cashier”, and the cards are merely ID.

Food: Lavish meals are being planned, with images of huge cooked birds on platters. High attention is paid to crooked red and white “canes” often decorated with attached items. Pastries in the form of small biscuit-shapes are seen everywhere. Most are decorated or festooned with icing and sprinkles. Perhaps these are the reason such attention is paid to “fitness equipment.”

Space travel: Confusingly, there are multiple images of outer space travel displaying advanced ships and alien contact, yet these all seem to be works of fiction.

Weaponry: Debates ongoing over “gun control” while civil wars are taking place throughout the world. Pockets of war interspersed with areas of peace. Most weaponry is primitive compared to ours.

First Contact: So-called UFOs are discussed everywhere. Population seems open to first contact, while government is apparently opposed to same.

Potential for Colonization: Wait another century
—

What do you think? What types of items did I miss that the alien would have reported?

Happy Holidays to you and yours, no matter what planet you call home.

Tag: Fun Stuff to Do