Tag: Life

Stop Spam.

Dear Spammers,
Thank you for the many emails you’ve sent me. I’ve become quite adept at spotting them. One trick I particularly like is when all of you decide on a specific topic for the subject line of your emails, and then you all use it the same day. Such as “Notice of Extreme Win.” Nothing grabs my attention like seeing six of these lined up in my inbox, all from different people.

Another favorite — and recent trick — was a flurry of notes that advised me about my “ex” saying bad things about me, or in some cases, that he was posting bad pictures of me. That had me puzzled at first, especially since I’ve been married to the same man for 37 happy years and don’t have an ex. But it helped me spot you!

Then there’s the “Can you tell English is not my first language” message. Topics such as “Plese to be my frend” or the oldie but goodie “strive to use for benfitting of ze chilldren.” I also like the tried but true “this massage no the spam” one.

No Spam

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank you for reminding me that I, too, can add an extra inch to my manhood. The fact that I’m female apparently doesn’t make any difference. How nice to know. Recently, you brought to my attention that there is “strength in the extra inch” — so I guess those old commercials about being a “silly milimeter longer” might have been right. And of course, I can always “Watch it grow bigger.”

Thanks, too, for the email subjects that begin “Dearest One” or “Dear Winner” or “Dear Beneficiary.” I look forward to these because they show me how many people out there love me. People I have never even met, but who go out of their way to show me how much they want to get to know me. I appreciate the opportunity to share with you, especially your kind requests for my checking account information, credit card secret number, passwords, and the like. The internet is an amazingly friendly place. People like you make it “oh so special.”

End Spam

Another good thing you’ve provided is the reminder that to get the full benefit of your email, I should open and download attached documents. These have contained items that remind me of the fall of Troy, and that big horse that was left for its residents. Good of you to note in your subject that “this message is verified safe” — which is what I know most of my true friends would put in their subjects to reassure me.

Stop Spam Forever

Lately though I’ve wondered about a few of you. Why do you put ***SPAM*** in the topic of your email? Do you think it will somehow miss the target that I’ve set for it on my mailbox system? I have to say, that isn’t one of your better decisions. Kind of like painting a target on your back and chest. I am disappointed that you’ve gotten that lazy. I’ve been having fun trying to figure out which message is from you and which from real friends. I have noticed though that friends don’t tend to send me emails telling me where to score the best drugs. Some of my friends might ask *me* where to get them — but few will volunteer that info in the open.

Overall, I wanted you to know that I take special pains with your messages, and even have a folder just for you. Nearly all of your messages go directly there. I’ve trained my email program to recognize most of you. For those who are new, take heart. I’m sure I’ll figure you out eventually, and you’ll be routed to my exclusive list of “special emails” or that elite folder I’ve set up for you and your friends. Till then, My Dearest, may your inbox never be empty.