Click to send... and I'm outta here.

Being the infamous fairy tale 'Jack' isn't as glamorous as it sounds. My entire life has been a series of memes—before they were even invented!

My current 'Jack' title is companion to the Ice Queen—who spent the first couple of years singing that song—but my sentence here is almost over. I'm going to make a run for it to retire with my shaker of salt on an island in the Caribbean while I drink piña coladas.

Before I leave, I realize my heart wasn't as frozen as I thought and I have to save Queenie from her evil sister. We make a plan to escape together after the Yule celebration, but even that falls victim to my legendary bad luck.

Enter two bumbling pirates who were playing Robin Hood, a monkey, and a sea voyage to our permanent hiding place...only to trip over a bottle on the beach that contains a mysterious map to a legendary graveyard filled with famous treasure the moment we arrive.

My spill draws the attention of our pirate friends and two other local hotties who can't resist damsels in distress.

Insert eyeroll here.

My girl and I didn't ask to be conscripted on an adventure with two shifter pirates, a masseuse, a demi-god, and a merman who think we're on the menu, but here we are.

Maybe I should have taken the Ice Queen's musical advice when I first arrived...

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